I have always been surprised by how many people will, when someone is hurting, be like yeah I have been there and have the scars to prove it. I also love the fact that most people have scars, both those that can be seen and those that cannot be seen.
I have had friends who have been too close to the edge of their sanity for any of their friends to be comfortable. That is usually when they get taken aside and are subjected to "show and tell". That is when we give the "We understand a bit of what you are going through... look at my scars... this is what I have been through... we are here for you" speech and they are also told that we love them and want them to be safe.
This solution has worked with 14 out of my last 16 friends. We had one friend that his did not work for and this is her story.
We went to school together and that summer we were working at the same place. She was my best friend and we had know each other for years. Me and her were 2 peas in a pod, inseparable and a little crazy. We were preparing for our freshman year of college trying to make some money for fun at school. We loved our summer job working at camp, playing with kids all day, swimming and teaching swimming lessons.
And then her world came crashing down around her. It was horrible to watch this sweet, wonderful, energetic, charismatic, outgoing 18 year old girl change before our eyes. When we had hung out on Saturday she had been one person and on the Monday after it happened she was completely different. In one day she went from loud to quiet, from a daredevil to skittish, from outgoing to reserved, from being some one who was always hugging others and giving back rubs, to a girl that could not be touched. In 15 minutes of sheer terror she lost everything that made her who she had been. She was a shell of herself and she knew it and hated herself for it.
She told not one of us what had happened that day. She just said she had a bad day and asked us to leave it at that and we respected her wishes. And despite the fact that she was so different, and wearing long sleeves and pants in the middle of summer we let it go for awhile.
Slowly we watched her move baby-step by baby-step closer to who she had been before that summer. She moved at her own pace and week by week she let us know what she needed from us. She would tell us that we were to remind her to stay out of corners, not bit her lips, we were to begin hugging her again, calling her to hang out and telling her that she was to come with us.
And she did it. In 3 months she battled her way back to the point where most of us could forget about the change we had seen that summer and all the events after it.
And then 3 months later she came into my room like she did most days. This day was different though, she told me that she needed to go to the store right then and asked if I would go with her. So I agreed, we went to the store weekly to get food for the week so this was not unusual. As we were walking there I asked her what was so urgent that we needed to go right then. The look she gave me told me that I should let it go. We went into the store and she purchased 3 pregnancy tests. We spent the entire walk home in silence, both of us lost in our own worlds trying to think about how to bring up the elephant in the room.
When we got back to the dorm she stashed the tests and we went to dinner like we did every night. We spent the rest of the night together. I did not know what to say so I simply stayed with her making idle chat. At 2 in the morning she got very quite, grabbed her teddy bear and started to talk in a very quiet but determined voice. She said "I need you to not talk until I am done." Then she started the story I had been waiting 3 months to hear. "On that Saturday night my entire life changed. That night was the night I lost my virginity. That night my whole world fell apart. I did not want to believe it was real. I wanted to pretend it was all a dream."
At that moment everything that I had seen in the past months made more sense. I told her that I was sorry that that had to happen to her and that I was there if she needed anything. She demanded my silence, I was not allowed to breathe a word of what I knew to anyone. After I told her that I would keep her secret she asked if I would keep 2 more secrets for her in the next 24 hours. I once again told her that I would do whatever she needed.
So with no warning she said "Secret number two.". As she said this she rolled up her right sleeve and pulled her shirt up to expose her left hip. The marks there left me speechless. I did not know how to convey how sorry I was that she was hurting herself without sounding like I was condemning her and her actions so I simply said "ouch". She dropped her shirt, grabbed her teddy bear and crawled onto the futon next to me and just started crying. It threw me for a loop. I had NEVER seen her cry before. I had watched her sit on the dirt of a softball diamond with a dislocated knee, I had seen her break both feet in gymnastics, and an arm snowboarding and I had yet to see her cry. All I could do was hold her and tell her I was there for her no matter what. That I always had been and that I always would be there, whether she needed me standing next to her, beating people up for her, hugging her, or just listening.
We talked for hours about why she was hurting herself. She tried to explain that it seemed to help her and that it was the only thing she had found that seemed to help her cope with everything that was going on. I was worried about her but she said she was not suicidal just that it was the only way to deal in her world. She said the only way to block out all the emotions she was feeling was to feel physical pain instead.
Then we talked about the need for the tests she purchased and we figured out a game plan for the outcome neither wanted us to happen. She decided to carry it to term if she was pregnant, get the doctors to obtain a sample of the baby's DNA so that it could be put on file, and then give it up for adoption because she knew she would not be able to handle loving the child created in such a horrible way.
By the time we had talked through all of this it was 6 am. She decided it was now or never to take the test. We went to the bathroom on a different floor of the dorm and I waited for her. She came out without looking at it because she couldn't. As soon as I looked at it my face fell and she knew what it showed. She took two more just to be sure. And with that she whispered "secret number 3". At 8 am when the clinic opened we made an appointment for the doctor to confirm what our tests had shown and to get her prenatal vitamins.
Waiting for that appointment was the longest 2 hours of my life. We got dressed and walked to the clinic. I helped her fill out paperwork and by the time we got into the room she was shaking like a leaf. The doctor confirmed that she was pregnant. And then she told us that she would not need the prenatal vitamins as the fetus was not viable. My friend chose to go home and let what was going to happen, happen. We spent the next 48 hours together and we talked, ate ice cream, watched movies, and generally took it easy so that what was going to happen could be a private affair.
Over the next few weeks her mood got better and she seemed to go back to her old self. I helped her catch up on the school work she missed staying home to recover. We giggled talking about what was happening in class and with our friends while doing our homework. This improvement carried over through finals week and through us going home for winter break. We did not see each other over winter break due to the fact that we were both busy with our lives, working, and family.
When we got back to school she was the girl I remembered from years before. We had no classes in common that semester so we only saw each other at night and usually it was just dinner or a study party in our dorm rooms. Because I was so distracted with classes and life and so wrapped up in my own little world I missed it. I completely missed the signs that something was going wrong, that despite all appearances she was not ok. She was just putting on a brave face and pretending she was fine. She had been going to class, hanging out with people, being able to laugh and joke, and doing decent in school. She seemed to be doing well coping with it, even without cutting.
And suddenly she stopped. And by stopped I mean she dropped out of life. She stopped going to class, stopped doing home work, stopped eating, stopped sleeping, she became unable to open her door to even go to the bathroom alone. She began cutting with a vengeance to feel anything. In a room full of friends she knew and trusted she often ended up under a piece of furniture or in a closet crying and completely out of touch with reality.
When we could get her to even agree to try to sleep it had to be broad daylight out, with 2-3 of us in the room, there had to be music or a movie on to distract her, and no one could touch her or get near her. And she would never sleep for more than 30 minutes without waking up screaming her head off. The flashbacks became longer in duration, and more intense for her.
We took turns staying in her room with her keeping guard over her when she was sleeping. We also took turns walking her to the bathroom and standing guard over the stall she was in showering or using the facilities. We also took turns trying to get her to eat and drink enough to keep her going. We were in over our heads and had no clue what to do for her. We tried multiple times to get her to talk to someone who knew what they were doing. She was wasting away in front of us and there was nothing we could do.
Finally we reached our limit. As far as we could tell we were the only reason she had not killed herself yet, whether on purpose of not, and we finally got up the courage to do something none of us had ever considered before. We had to tell her that we would be involuntarily committing her if she did not get help. She went voluntarily but none of us felt good about it and she was angry at us for quite awhile. But we wanted her to get better and she was getting closer and closer that final mistake.
She dropped out of school to get herself better and her life back in order. Eventually she got to a point where she realized that we did it for her, that it hurt us to see her like that, and to have to give her that ultimatum. When she got to that point she made contact again and apologized for being angry with us.
Today my best friend is working for a great company. She is living on her own. She has a fiance who knows everything and loves her and her quirks. We talk every night, and share everything with each other to this day. She is the strongest person I know and I love her to bits.
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